Thursday, June 16, 2005

I finally listen to what the world tells me

My life is going nowhere and I feel like maybe all my aspirations were really just delusions of grandeur. Who the hell do I think I am anyway?

THere was a time I thought I was smart. But how smart could I really be? It's not like I'm in Mensa. There are about a billion people smarter than me. Now, I'm sure of it.

None of my friends are really my friends. I look around and the friends, real friends, they love each other or something. They talk everyday and truly want to see eachother, not just for special events or just to get it over with but to truly see each other. They want to know eachother's problems and comfort eachother. I don't have those kinds of friends. If we don't have a prescribed place or an event or something like that, I won't see anyone for weeks. Hell it could be months. THey don't care to listen to my stories anymore. THey seem to wonder why they ever agreed to be my friend. No one understands why they allowed me in their lives. It was like I fooled them into being friends and now that they realize their mistake, they're just being polite, only accepting my presence because I won't cease to exist around them. What the hell am I supposed to do. Maybe no one can count on me, or maybe I'm just not memorable or lovable or attractive enough. I just don't know.

That could explain why I'm already in my mid-20's and have never had a boyfriend or girlfriend. Does it have to do with the fact that I'm Morbidly Obese? Or is my personality off-putting? Why doesn't anyone like me? Does anyone even consider me? Consider loving me or kissing me or holding me? The answer it seems is No. Not in an entire quarter century has anyone deemed me remotely attractive enough to even have a date with.

Then I thought I was talented but really, that's not even true. I come off like a shitbrained jerk in interviews and my talent barely reaches the anthills of mediocrity, not to mention the mountains of greatness. How could I have ever fooled myself into thinking that it could take me anywhere? I posture. I lie. I pretend. I fool myself. Somehow I managed to believe that I was worth something. I believed that I would have an exciting life of travel and romance. I believed that I would go somewhere and make it into the annals of history for my talent and intelligence. I would make new, wonderful discoveries and make the world a better place. People would care about me. I would make a difference. But those were fucking obvious lies. Of course if I listened to the people around me, maybe I wouldn't feel so stupid for deluding myself all these years. But the fact that everyone tried to tell me that I was just a mundane, stupid, arrogant, chunky piece of shit and I still didn't know. Well that's just pathetic.

Fuck me man.