Tuesday, February 28, 2006


I quit my job and now the world awaits my laziness!

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Pass the Porno Please!

A former college classmate and I agreed that it would be in our best interests to get nice n' easy jobs at prestigious schools, since they're likely to give out classes like Christmas trees on December 26th. Get that degree for free while makin' some G's. So now we're making plays for the easiest jobs we can find while keeping an eye out for those elusive Dream Jobs. I found some real gems.

Take this Assistant Editor job for example:

Duties will include generating story ideas, writing editorial content, working with publicists, proofreading and editing, delegating ... and will include such tasks as answering the phones, producing the editor-in-chief's event schedule, etc.
Must have 1-2 years experience in the publishing/magazine industry. Writing and verbal skills are essential, as well as computer skills and good researching capabilities. Phone skills are essential and the ability to work under pressure due to deadlines. Must be personable and professional.
Our readers are upscale Manhattanites with homes Palm Beach and the Hamptons. The editorial covers the exciting social and entertainment events in New York, the Hamptons and Palm Beach that many of the readers attend.

Let’s see, you bask in the completely unnecessary and inane activities of the very rich, so you can feed their already inflated sense of self-worth while you tip tap away on your keyboard about useless lives and wasted resources. The pay for your efforts? Under 35,000. Yes, sucka, you’d be making less than their maid. It’s the ultimate Poser job and best of all, these types of jobs comprise 70% of craigslist. How very like New York.

But, the searching is over folks! I hit upon the remaining 30% of the job board and found my true calling. Yes, Porn reviewing, how did you guess? Where do I see myself in five years? Porn Editorial Supervisor. I’m gonna ace that interview!

Are you a connoisseur of porn? Do you have opinions about the adult films you watch? We have hundreds of adult DVDs sitting around waiting for someone to review them. And, we're looking for a dedicated group of competent folks to help us watch and critique the growing collection. See this section to get an idea of our writing/review style: http://www.sexherald.com/porn-movies/adult-dvds.html There's not much in the way of pay—for now. But the DVDs, which retail anywhere from $25 to $75, are yours to keep after you review them. This is a legitimate writing gig that can be added to your freelancer portfolio. And SexHerald is a sex-positive online publication start-up operation poised for rapid growth. All reviewers must be 21 or older, live in the New York City area (NY, NJ and/or Long Island, if you’re willing to commute to Manhattan for periodic meetings) and be deadline-oriented and dependable. Previous writing experience is a plus. The reviews run 400-600 words in length, and film reviewers must commit to a minimum of four (4) reviews each month.

Grad school, finals, all-nighters, astronomical tuition rates, cocky peers and blowhard professors are starting to look SO appealing.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

ByeBye Life, Hello Couch

This fall I have a very extensive network tv viewing roster and it is seriously killing my "real life". It's gotten so bad that the only weekday that I can run errands, go to meetings or just work a little overtime is FRIDAY.

Monday- No way am I leaving myTV. Prison Break will be on any minute now. Nothing clears away the "Case of the Mondays" like a good long stare at Wentworth Miller's (Michael Scoffield) cold scheming blue eyes fixed on another person that he can cruelly manipulate. Mmmm HOT. I like his brother too, I think because he played Dracula in the third Blade. I like men who were vampires at one point. Strange but true. But I don't get why the women are just so...Meh...in comparison?

Tuesday-OK I admit Tuesday doesn't extract the same level of intense loyalty. My Name is Earl has been pretty good. Supernatural is better than most people think, and the boys are kinda pretty. The Office is satisfying in the sense that it's nice to see your entire day rehashed on the small screen. Kinda makes you feel like you matter or something. But truly, I might be staying home on Tuesdays due to laziness.

Wednesday-Are you shitting me? It's completely ALL ABOUT LOST! That would constitute a "nuff said, but I don't know when to stop typing. No other show makes me yell maniacally in frustration like Lost does. I have spent every Wednesday at 9:59pm screaming "NooooooOOOOoooo!" Here's the rub, Veronica Mars is on at the same time as Lost. VM is such an unexpectedly great show that I feel guilty that I'm watching Lost, but missing even a second of Lost is like losing one of your children.(yeah I obviously have no kids). But by not watching VM I'm contributing to the show's departure...I need Tivo. And a Life.

Thursday- Alias. Must watch Alias. Mmmm Sydney & Vaughn Smallville whenever possible. mmm Tom Welling.

Friday- The TV guards bring in the keys and the codes and allow me to roam free for two days.

Saturday- The Secret Service, using pervasive satellite locating technology beam me with radioactive waves which activates an embedded microchip in my brain. This causes me to collapse immediately into REM sleep.

Sunday-Simpsons, Family Guy, Desperate Housewives. And so the vicious cycle renews itself.


Thursday, September 15, 2005

Seems I'm not very quick on the draw recently. I used to be, back in the carefree free-love, free-downloading days of Napster, and to a lesser degree, Kazaa. But now I can't boast such hipness. About a year or two after everyone and their dog had Limewire, I finally decided to try it out, wondering why they weren't afraid of the repercussions that other file-sharing programs faced. I finally found out the answer! Yes, those who wish to download will be directed to a page (see screenshot) which acts as an unstoppable filter. It prevents anyone who would ever dare to download copyright infringing content from downloading Limewire. Obviously people can't help but be truthful on the internet, it's a human weakness. PROBLEM SOLVED!!!
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Thursday, July 21, 2005

Opening Doors for Racial Profiling- In the Subway!

Frightening news, people! The PoPo are sanctioned to perform "random" checks on people's bags on the subway. That's right, the new york city police noted for their fine work with 9-11, Abner Louima and countless other unarmed black men, will now have the freedom to approach anyone entering a subway station and check their bag. The only breathing room we have here is that if you don't want your bag searched, you can just leave- well according to the CNN article I just read.

Now the problem is, obviously, these searches probably will not be random in most stations, not in a city where officers are scot-free after sodomizing and killing black people, and stopping minorities for just not wearing their seatbelts...when you can't actually tell until the officer has actually stopped the car. hmmm. So yes, I do expect there to be an awful lot of not-so-random searches, especially since these searches are unlikely to be well-regulated. Come on! Unleashing NY cops on the subways!? Well, from my past experiences during a time when terrorism wasn't on anyones mind, cops took many liberties with their profiling.

In a climate where profiling is actually better-tolerated since it is on a different racial group that really has no unified political power, well, things can get bad for people who look like they could be arabic. Watch out: Middle Easterners, Pakistanis, Indians, generally people of the South Indian diaspora, non-Caucasian Latinos, darker people of the mediterannean, people with scarves, people with religious paraphernelia bla bla bla. I don't know how they can choose
at my station, so I'm not too worried.

In the end, I'm not too opposed to this if it helps somehow. It might, I dont know. But this is retarded:
"Kelly said passengers selected for searches will be approached by officers, who will ask them what they are carrying, and request them to open their bags. If an officer looking for explosives finds some other form of contraband, police said that person would be subject to arrest."

This is the very essence of why racial profiling sucks in other circumstances and inflates the rates of certain racial groups being arrested or sent to jail. You, a member of some undesirable group, get stopped and searched at a higher rate than other groups and they search for anything incriminating and BAM!! you're in jail. That's how it goes down and Kelly is just enabling this machinery to work in the subway. So I don't have the explosives, but I do happen to have an 8-ball(nickelbag, can of mace..whatever) and so I'm arrested. Doesn't this seem a tad scary? The whole point is to make sure no one blows me up, when did it turn into some anti-drug campaign? I think people should be sent on their merry way if the police have determined that they will not be blowing a train up that day. When did we ever agree to submit ourselves to be checked for drugs or other kinds of incriminating things lurking in our bags??

I'm not a druggie, I don't carry anything illegal when I commute to work so rest assured that my concerns are not about my diminish capacity to get away with stuff, just the weakening of gov't principles.

Don't be fooled New York, America, THE WORLD, this entire thing is invasive and lowers our quality of life tremendously. It's also likely to make me even later for work than I usually am. damn, i hate this nonsense.

Thursday, June 16, 2005

I finally listen to what the world tells me

My life is going nowhere and I feel like maybe all my aspirations were really just delusions of grandeur. Who the hell do I think I am anyway?

THere was a time I thought I was smart. But how smart could I really be? It's not like I'm in Mensa. There are about a billion people smarter than me. Now, I'm sure of it.

None of my friends are really my friends. I look around and the friends, real friends, they love each other or something. They talk everyday and truly want to see eachother, not just for special events or just to get it over with but to truly see each other. They want to know eachother's problems and comfort eachother. I don't have those kinds of friends. If we don't have a prescribed place or an event or something like that, I won't see anyone for weeks. Hell it could be months. THey don't care to listen to my stories anymore. THey seem to wonder why they ever agreed to be my friend. No one understands why they allowed me in their lives. It was like I fooled them into being friends and now that they realize their mistake, they're just being polite, only accepting my presence because I won't cease to exist around them. What the hell am I supposed to do. Maybe no one can count on me, or maybe I'm just not memorable or lovable or attractive enough. I just don't know.

That could explain why I'm already in my mid-20's and have never had a boyfriend or girlfriend. Does it have to do with the fact that I'm Morbidly Obese? Or is my personality off-putting? Why doesn't anyone like me? Does anyone even consider me? Consider loving me or kissing me or holding me? The answer it seems is No. Not in an entire quarter century has anyone deemed me remotely attractive enough to even have a date with.

Then I thought I was talented but really, that's not even true. I come off like a shitbrained jerk in interviews and my talent barely reaches the anthills of mediocrity, not to mention the mountains of greatness. How could I have ever fooled myself into thinking that it could take me anywhere? I posture. I lie. I pretend. I fool myself. Somehow I managed to believe that I was worth something. I believed that I would have an exciting life of travel and romance. I believed that I would go somewhere and make it into the annals of history for my talent and intelligence. I would make new, wonderful discoveries and make the world a better place. People would care about me. I would make a difference. But those were fucking obvious lies. Of course if I listened to the people around me, maybe I wouldn't feel so stupid for deluding myself all these years. But the fact that everyone tried to tell me that I was just a mundane, stupid, arrogant, chunky piece of shit and I still didn't know. Well that's just pathetic.

Fuck me man.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

oh, didn't think you'd wanna go

I get along well with co-workers... People come by my grey cotton-walled prison to laugh and exchange a few well-placed insults about supervisors. Some of them want to hang out with me after work. I think those are some good signs. Everything is happy-go-lucky. Or it was, until -

There's a guy, Gary, who I work with and it seems like we have a good time. Sure, he can be a little awkward and occasionally inept, but for the most part I think our relationship is smoother than Shaft (shut yo' mouth!) One day, I noticed that he was waiting for another coworker so they could leave together, but trying really hard not to make it obvious. I left for the day but had to come back since I forgot something, only to see him nervously shifting when he saw me. He looked like deer in the headlights, silent as a mouse. Funny, he's usually a font of nonstop information. I never asked about it.

Then today, the coworker herself stopped by to ask at quitting time whether I'd like to shoot some pool. Already having made plans I graciously declined and she did the obligatory "aww". Then she turned to Gary and said "I'll wait for you outside."

I thought salaciously.

Seeing as how he was no more than 2 feet away from me - the man is constantly rimming my personal space boundaries. But he's not as bad as some other people so I can't complain. Anyway, wanting to understand his sudden need for secrecy -

"Going somewhere with her?" I asked in my indoor voice.
No answer.

"Hey Gary, are you shooting pool with her?" I asked wondering maybe if indoor voice needed to be louder. Worse than getting a lie is to actually have my question ignored.
No answer.

"Hey Gary, ARE YOU SHOOTING POOL WITH HER?" I screamed in a decidedly outdoor voice struggling to maintain the casual buddy tone that I started off with.
a sigh and then
"Oh I didn't think you like pool!" he finally answered.

Ho hum little buddy could you have answered in a more tension-filled manner? Let me break this down for y'all one time. 1) This is most important- I have no attraction to him. 2) I don't think these two like each other 3) There is no need for secrecy. No one cares politically speaking.
4) Why the assumption that I'm asking why I wasn't invited? * I already declined anyway*

But that very response on his part has now made me So Paranoid. He obviously meant to shut me out. Now I've been rejected from the "cool" crew without even knowing that I'd want to join!
Shit, I wish that I was invited to play pool or that the cheerleaders would finally say hi to me!